What if whenever I worry that I’m not good enough (or one of its relatives…I am not smart enough, strong enough, spiritual enough, loving enough, or whatever else I may think I am supposed to be, that I judge myself as not being at the moment), it is only because I am currently seeing myself as disconnected from everything?
In this limited definition of I, it’s probably true that I am not enough.
However if I can use that feeling as a gentle reminder to connect to all that is, to open up and know that I am a part of everything – then I can remember that I am certainly enough! Actually I am more than enough. I am capable, adaptable, strong, creative, joyful, wise, courageous, and more…
And so is everyone else! And maybe sometimes they also forget…
One of my current favorite theories is that God, Bigger Than That, More Than That, All That Is, Everything, Source, Highest Good, Higher Self, Whatever Name, (GBTTMTTATIESHGHSWN) is as indescribable as this is unpronounceable.
Frequently, I am uncomfortable not understanding. And yet I wouldn’t believe something I could understand! It is an interesting conflict I have set up for myself…
I regularly practice feeling comfort, serenity, joy, peace, love, wonder, and amazement regardless of whether I understand anything.
I am grateful that it seems to work.
- When I was younger I began to question everything and came to believe that probably nothing was absolutely true.
- It was a time of unraveling.
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- During the middle years … I adopted my first favorite theory.
- I decided that life got more enjoyable when I turned toward love, joy, or peace to the best of my ability and as often as possible – regardless of whether it made any sense or not.
- A few years later I added abundance (abundance of time, money, love, joy, and peace; abundance of all things I thought of as good or energizing in that moment).
- I created this drawing to help me remember to turn toward love, joy, peace, and abundance to the best of my ability, and as often as possible.
- Years later, I still think that probably nothing is absolutely true.
- And I now have several favorite theories.
- Some of them come and go, this one has stayed for a while.
My practice today is to notice, just observe, what is going on with my thoughts…and to not take them too seriously.
- I notice that my stomach feels heavy and I identify the feeling with a sense of dread “Oh no!”
- I wonder why? I guess it’s valuable to recognize whether there actually is a “lion in the bushes” waiting to pounce on me but probably not.
- I think instead that this feeling is one I have reacted to in the past as if there is something I need to do, but I don’t know what it is, so I feel ineffective and sort of stuck, sort of foolish, as if I am too dumb to figure it out.
- My reaction has sometimes been to take it very seriously, and then try to figure out why I feel that way.
- But what if there is no big reason? What if my stomach just feels heavy or tight, and that’s all it is?
- By the way, I can also (at the same time) feel energy tingling in my toes, I feel lightness at the top of my head, I hear the clock ticking and the air blowing through the heater vents. I have smooth and easy breathing, I am very comfortable and warm sitting in my chair.
- So what if I take a break and purposefully direct my thoughts to those better feeling things, like comfort and gratitude and joy and love?
- Interestingly, I notice a resistance in my thoughts like “oh no you don’t, you are not really loving, you are only pretending, it is an illusion, you only pretend to love” (interesting thoughts, just observing remember…)
- What if I don’t have to be concerned with trying to push away negative thoughts or heaviness at all? What if I just focus on better feeling thoughts?
- Maybe this practice is thinking on purpose rather than thinking by default? Maybe by directing my thoughts I create the life experiences I want.
- At least I feel better…pretty cool!
- Practice, practice, practice…
Wishing you as much fascination and joy in your practice! ~Arjay